“... many actors are shy but acting gives them a way of hiding in plain sight” (13)

Caroline Goyder

In the est training there had been a stage, called The Fear Process, which simply required participants to stand in a line on stage facing the audience — and do nothing. They were not allowed to smile, frown make comments or attitudinise in any way; they simply had to stand. It was astonishing how difficult this proved; some started shaking all over, others hysterically protesting, others hyperventilating, some simply burst into tears. After a while several assistants came and stood directly in front of each participant in turn, staring straight into their eyes until they were able to calmly look back. There were a number of professional actors in my training, some well- known, and it was interesting to find that, contrary to what one might have expected, they were affected as much as anyone-else. It appeared that all their experience on stage counted for nothing when they were stripped of a character behind which to hide.

Following close on the heels of est came The Mastery, where I got my own taste of acting, and a taste of my own medicine. The Mastery had come out of The Actors’ Institute of New York, but this was a workshop, not designed primarily for actors, but for everyone. I was told that it culminated in the delivery of a two minute monologue before the entire group of up to two hundred. This was definitely outside my comfort zone, but it was a challenge that I could not turn down. At first I found it hard to believe that they would treat professional actors and people from other walks of life, in exactly the same way. But they did, and I soon came to see that this was the genius of the system, because the problems experienced by actors are no different than those we all experience in trying to communicate in the course of our everyday lives. It brought to the fore the paradox that we all desperately want to be seen and we are all desperately scared of being seen. The founder, Dan Fauci, on his website expresses it this way:

“The Mastery is not about acting technique -- you still have to learn your craft. But it's about a quality of presence -- the ability to risk being authentically who you are in the presence of an audience. It's about taking that fear, putting a bridle on it and riding it -- using the permission of a good relationship with yourself in the presence of others In The Mastery there was nowhere to hide. Giving information about yourself was treated as an exercise in personal communication. You were no more allowed to hide behind your own personality quirks and limitations than the actor was allowed to hide behind his characterisation. An authentic presence was all. There were no get-out clauses. And, when it came to that dreaded monologue, you were over and over again brought to deliver it directly to the audience, as if to one person, to one person after another, and to actually look and see the effect that your words had, rather than being blinded by fear. No-one at this stage cared about the interpretation; only the communication.

Finally the moment came for me to put myself on the line. My legs were shaking so much I could hardly stand — or that is how it seemed to me. When I discovered later that no-one had noticed this, I was genuinely surprised. To smile and be charming in tense situations came naturally to me, but I was soon stripped of this. My problem came with being direct and passionate and not hiding behind smooth talk and irony. After my two minute solo had been worked over and presented by me for a second time, the audience each had to write a review. Those two-hundred- odd bits of paper I would keep wrapped up in a drawer for many years to come. I had told everyone that I had no desire to be an actor, but, it was clear from the written comments that there were a number who had just not believed me. They told me that I should take my courage in my hands and “Go for it!” I had crossed the burning coals of my fire-walk, but I had no intention of ever doing it again.